


Finding Hope

by ArcticLucie



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt, Injury Recovery, M/M, Making Love, POV Multiple, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reaper!Jane, Sheploo - Freeform, kickass space husbands
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 13:15:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5376599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcticLucie/pseuds/ArcticLucie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The war was won when Jane chose to control the Reapers, but a new threat looms overhead and a child is the key to stopping the Illusive Man's protégé from undoing everything she sacrificed herself for. Now John and Kaidan are forced to battle inner demons and scars barely healed over as they work to stop a madman, but their first priority is finding Hope.</p><p>Sequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/2773691/chapters/6220574">Suffocate.</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding Hope

**Author's Note:**

> This can probably be read as a stand-alone, but why would you not want to read part one? :D 
> 
> It might not get updated as regularly as Suffocate was, but I shall do my best. More tags to come.

* * *

_There is an answer in a question_  
_And there is hope within despair_  
_And there is beauty in a failure_  
_And there are depths beyond compare_  
**_-Black Sun, Death Cab for Cutie_ **

* * *

 

**John**

Three months had passed since Jane sacrificed herself, Reaperized herself, for him, for the galaxy, and he was still reeling from the scars the war left gouged in his skin and on his mind. Everyone had them, _everyone:_ men, women, children—physical and emotional—and they were sluggish to heal, festering and far too easy to be split open by a loud noise or the triggering smell of ozone.

He’d wake up some nights in a frantic haze as he pulled air into his too tight chest, crying out until Kaidan’s voice finally broke through to him, until arms looped around him strong and sure to wrench him back into the present. It was PTSD of course; they pretty much all had it to some degree. Some were better at hiding it than others. If you were lucky, you only had a few nightmares.

John wasn’t lucky.

He had been too close to it all, to the heart of it all, to the war, to Jane, the hero of the galaxy. She was gone, he knew that, but it was hard to accept when he knew her spirit, her essence, had been swallowed up and locked away inside the enemy.

Although, they weren’t the enemy anymore, they were allies, they were his _sister._ That was enough to screw with anyone’s mind, but the guilt, the thoughts that it should’ve been him up there, protecting her like he had sworn to do his whole life, like he’d promised their father before he died, like he vowed to do as they cried over their mother’s eviscerated body, it was almost too much; it _was_ too much.

Kaidan helped.

John knew he would’ve eaten a bullet if it hadn’t been for Kaidan. He’d almost done it when she died the first time, but he had something to hold onto now, someone else he’d vowed to protect, and fuck if he was going to let anything happen to him. He couldn’t lose anyone else, he just couldn’t. He was going next and he hoped to Spirits that it was in a hundred years.

He closed his eyes and started a breathing technique one of his doctors had taught him to do when he’d begin to slip into a bad frame of mind. It always happened on the shuttle, when the destruction of war stretched out before his eyes as it whizzed through the city with nothing to distract him from it, from his thoughts. Kaidan had figured it out by their first week in Vancouver and made sure to subtly volunteer to join him anytime he went out, but Kaidan was still recovering from his latest surgery on his leg while John was being eased back into the thick of things.

After two months recouperating at the Alenko Orchard, he and Kaidan had decided to move to Vancouver. Even with cooperation from the Reapers to rebuild the galaxy, things were slow to return to normal, but they’d both wanted to offer Hackett and Anderson as much help as they could. It was still their duty after all. Hackett had wanted to retire, but he was waiting until they got the Alliance back up to par before doing so, and Anderson was slated to take his spot.

The Normandy was undergoing extensive repairs and in dry dock along with the majority of Alliance vessels. The crew had scattered, back to hometowns and home planets to help their people in whatever way they could. Joker, James, and Steve were still around, which was nice. Traynor had stayed in London. Grunt and Aralakh Company were trying to keep order on a very unstable Tuchanka. Tali was the liaison to the Geth and Quarians on Rannoch. And John was the link between the Reapers and everyone else.

He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be honored or horrified by that. He liked being with Jane, with her Reaper. He knew it wasn’t _her,_ not really, but as Kaidan would say, he liked living in the illusion. It gave him something to do, something to feel like he was contributing to the rebuilding of the galaxy. He was sure he’d never be cleared again for active duty, but he might be able to live with riding a desk. Maybe.

The shuttled stopped right outside their apartment, and John was all too glad to be getting off. He pushed through the doors, said a brief hello to Mrs. G, who lived down the hall from them, and made his way to the elevator. His shoulder as a little stiff as he stretched it out on the ride up. A storm was pushing in, he could feel it. He’d check the weather once he got inside.

He took his coat off and hung it on the rack by the door. Kaidan was usually on the couch waiting to greet him with eager eyes so he could ask him how his day had gone, but he wasn’t in sight. “K, I’m home.” He tried to shake off the feeling of dread that overcame him when he didn’t receive a reply. Suddenly, everything was too quiet. Maybe he was in the shower or the bedroom asleep?

“Kaidan?”

Before he could reach the hallway, he saw a familiar mess of dark hair in the kitchen. Kaidan was sitting on the floor, back against a cabinet, clutching a datapad to his chest. John approached a little wary after having noticed food sitting out on the counter that must have been there since lunchtime three hours ago. He called his name, but Kaidan didn’t hear him, didn’t flinch or even look his way.

 _Must have had a bad day,_ he thought. He crouched down beside him, and then dropped to his knees when he got a twinge in one. “Kaidan? Love? Sweetheart, are you okay?”

Kaidan had PTSD too, a less severe case but it didn’t discriminate, it didn’t care how weak or strong a person was, it just hit whenever the hell it felt like. They were receiving treatment on the base nearby, but John had never seen him so traumatized before, so eerily still, eyes glazed over, lips dry, his chest raising slow but stuttered. He was sitting in a stupor that must have gone on for hours from the state of things around him.

His first guess was that he must’ve had a flashback or something to that effect. Kaidan had had a few bad episodes since the war ended that were usually centered on the Collector abduction or John dying, but he was always able to help Kaidan through them. Only he wasn’t there today, when Kaidan needed him. It was his third day back on duty, only desk duty per Hackett’s orders, but now he felt guilty for leaving Kaidan alone. Maybe it was too soon?

He put his hands on his husband’s shoulders and gave them a gentle squeeze, “Kaidan, talk to me, please! What’s wrong?” John didn’t know what to do and Kaidan’s condition was about to send him into a panic of his own. Should he call Hackett or Chakwas? Dr. Ocean? The Alenkos?

But then he looked down at the datapad. His husband’s knuckles were white around it. It must have been bad news. It was obvious that it was. He thought that maybe someone had died, Garrus on Palaven or Liara on Thessia or Grunt on Tuchanka, and they were getting word of it. His stomach twisted in knots. Either way, he had to know, so he took the pad from his hands.

It slipped out easy enough. Kaidan didn’t move much; his hands fell to his thighs but he didn’t look up at him. When John read the message, he collapsed right next to him, lungs heaving and his body threatening to breakdown as well. That was what happened to Kaidan, but now he understood why.

His hands were shaking the datapad as he tried to reread the message from Miranda. His eyes rolled over every letter and every word, but they didn’t make sense. Miranda had died during the battle for Earth, killed by Laurence Rochov, the Illusive Man’s protégé, so not only was receiving a letter from a ghost hard to handle, but the contents made him want to raise her from the dead, like Miranda had done to Jane with Project Lazarus, so he could kill her himself. 

 

> _Shepard,_
> 
> _This is not how I wanted this whole thing to go, but I have implemented many fail-safes so that this message reaches you, Major Alenko, or your brother, one way or another. I’m obviously dead, which knowing you as well as I do, is probably a good thing with the news that this letter brings._
> 
> _Before I go on, I need you to know that I only had your best interests, and the interests of the galaxy, at heart. The Illusive Man, as I’m sure you’ll agree, never did. I know that now, but I didn’t back then. And I am truly sorry for the sorrow and suffering that I have caused you, that this letter will cause you. I will never forgive myself for my part in it._
> 
> _Know that I died with a heart full of guilt and shame in regards to you, and know that you were probably the last person I thought of with my dying breath. How I failed you, how I betrayed your trust. Even writing this is difficult..._
> 
> _You and Kaidan have a daughter._
> 
> _I know that this is big news. Much too big for you to hear about in a letter, but it’s all I can do now. I had planned on telling you after the war, but obviously that didn’t happen if you’re reading this. I knew it would cost me your friendship, and I truly believed that you would have killed me. I also believed that I would have deserved it. If not you, then John or Kaidan._
> 
> _Now, let me explain:_
> 
> _When they found you above Alchera, you were frozen, similarly to how eggs and embryos are frozen so they can be thawed out at a later date for things like artificial insemination. When we starting bringing you back to life, we also unfroze the embryo that was within you. If I had to guess, you were only a week or so along when you died, and upon learning about you and Kaidan, I instantly knew it was his._
> 
> _We didn’t pick up on it until you were about two months along. Your organs and tissues were still regenerating, but somehow that embryo was able to develop into a healthy fetus. When I told the Illusive Man, he beamed like a proud father or grandfather, a thought that sickens me now. Knowing him I’m sure he was planning on using the baby against you when he needed to. I’m not sure why he never told you._
> 
> _Perhaps it’s because he wanted you fully committed to the cause and the war. Or maybe he wanted the baby to be his, make a weapon to use against you or to hold over your head, or maybe he just wanted someone he could raise from infancy to take over the organization for him._
> 
> _I don’t know._
> 
> _However, it was his idea to hide her away. He knew I was good at doing that sort of thing since I’d done it with Oriana, so I agreed. I can’t tell you how many times that I wanted to tell you about her when we would stay up late talking on the Normandy, but I just couldn’t find the words. (Or the courage.) I almost told you at the party at John and Kaidan’s apartment, but I knew you had too much on your plate then, there was too much at stake._
> 
> _That may sound harsh, cold, heartless, but it was the truth. Defeating the Reapers was too important for all of us. Her included._
> 
> _I’m getting off track..._
> 
> _We had to keep everything under wraps. For six more months, I watched her grow inside you. It was a beautiful thing, and I’m sorry that you were unable to experience it. I felt her kick, viewed sonograms of her cute little face, and even sang a few songs to her. She liked “Rock-a-bye-baby” the best. Then, when the time came, a month early, you had a cesarean section. We covered up the scar quite well. I’m sure that if you ever noticed it, you thought it was from something else._
> 
> _Only a few other people knew you were pregnant. After you woke up, I learned that I was the only one left alive. The rest had died on Cronos Station or were murdered by the Illusive Man. I kept it that way so that I was the only one that knew where she was. Even the Illusive Man didn’t know. I used the information of her whereabouts as leverage against him. But I knew that after he had everyone killed, that I could never let him know where to find her._
> 
> _If you, John, and Kaidan don’t make it through the war, then this letter is rather pointless. If that’s the case, I’ll be sure that this message gets passed along to Garrus or Liara. Maybe you can correct my mistake, Vakarian, T’Soni. You are incredible friends, and I’m sorry that I wasn’t. Not when it really counted. I would have loved to be by your side when you find her. But that’s not possible now._
> 
> _Either way, know that she is safe. I made sure of that. Even if the Reapers succeeded with killing everyone else, she should still be alive. I have attached coordinates to her last known location and all the information that I have on her. I’ll be sure to update it as time goes on for as long as I’m able. I even attached a picture! She has your green eyes and Kaidan’s crazy hair, but I think she has John’s smile. She’s so beautiful, just like her mother._
> 
> _Today, she is eighteen months old. I don’t know how old she’ll be when the war is over or when this letter finds you. But better late than never._
> 
> _Her name is, well I guess it’ll be whatever you want it to be, maybe something with ‘Ash’ in it if I know you. I thought ‘Normandy’ would be a little too bold. Her caregivers call her Hope. That is the name I gave her, because that’s what you have inspired in me, in all of us. The crew, the galaxy, everyone._
> 
> _And about her caregivers: they treat her well, I can assure you of that. She is in good hands with them, but she belongs to you. They know that one day you will come for her. I can’t say whether or not they’ll want to let her go, but I’m not worried about that. You’ll do what needs to be done. And I pity anyone who tries to get in your way._
> 
> _It is my dying wish that this letter finds you well. And I know that it won’t mean anything to you coming from me after this, but I am truly, truly sorry. Give her a kiss for me…_
> 
> _-Miranda Lawson_
> 
> _Attachment 1: I have recently discovered that there was one other person who knows she exists. The Illusive Man must’ve told him, but his name is Laurence Rochov. I’ve been tracking him the best I can, and he has been tracking me. I don’t know his intentions only that they cannot be good. I’ll do whatever I can do thwart him, but you must find her before he does._

  

John couldn’t breathe. He reached a blind hand for Kaidan and pulled him close burying his face into his hair as he tried to ground himself and take in his husband’s soothing scent. It didn’t make sense. He had a niece? He had a niece. He had blood, somewhere out there in the galaxy, maybe on Earth. He had family, his only blood relative now. He had to find her. He owed it to Jane. He owed it to Kaidan.

“In and out,” he whispered to himself, a reminder to keep breathing because he was sure his lungs were close to revolting.

“We have to find her, my…my daughter,” Kaidan whispered back through a broken sob.

John squeezed him tight, kissing his forehead before letting go so he could get to his feet. He pulled Kaidan up after and steadied him on his feet. His were no better off. They felt like lead and liquid at the same time, but he had a niece, someone else he had to protect, someone he wouldn’t fail this time. Only he had to find her first. They had to find her.

“John?” Kaidan protested as he began to drag him to the door. “What are we gonna do?”

He stopped and spun around, cupping Kaidan’s face while his husband gripped his wrists. Those eyes, those beautiful brown eyes were filled with so many questions that he knew he couldn’t answer. They both took a stuttered breath when John pressed his forehead into Kaidan’s, “We’re going to find Hope.”

**Author's Note:**

> Questions, comments, and constructive criticism are always welcome. 
> 
> Feel free to come yell at me on [tumblr.](http://jucielucie.tumblr.com/)


End file.
